Rock Bottom

I would like to welcome everyone back to Smiles World but this will not be a very easy blog to type so if you feel triggered please feel free to leave because in this blog I will be talking about my mental health.  This will also probably be a very long blog post.

I eel my downward spiral started back in December of 2019 around the holidays because it was a time of year again with not having my parents around again for the holidays and i feel that is starting to get to me harder every year more that there gone and as I get older. As April rolls around I get Laid off from my job at circle K and the reason was for me being stupid and going back to my old habits of stealing things and not to mention this is back when the Coronavirus pandemic stuff started to happen then the state of my mental health took a big sky dive down i fell into a depression to where I wanted to commit suicide a couple of times and thought that the world would be better off without me because I am always screwing things up and can't keep a job, i feel like i will never meet my soul mate, I feel like I dont have real life friends, I am basically feeling like a loser and that the world would be better off without me. I am also gonna come clean I also don't remember the last time I did laundry I think it was like 2 or 3 months ago and the last time i deep cleaned my apartment is about the same time length so yeah I have fell into a deep depression and to top it off I have not really been eating that well there was a time period back in june where I did not eat for 8 straight days and i only drank water in those 8 days and just for reference I am six foot one (6'1) and the last time i weighed my self I was at I think 376 when I last saw my doctor in person and I feel that I blossomed back up to around 400 pounds easily.

So as the title of this blog says I have really hit rock bottom in my eyes and so far I am not sure when I will get out of it because I am still feeling like this lately but have not had suicide thoughts anymore for now. at this current moment I am still not in the best current position of my mental health and my depression and to be honest what I think made it worse was the quarantine that we have had to do for like the past 4 months because of the pandemic around the world. I also feel like that I am going to be forever alone also that no one truly cares about me.

I don't find myself smart, attractive or even good looking at all i feel dumb and feel i would be better off six feet under. i feel im no good around everybody. i guess this is all i wanna say for now maybe ill do a part 2 blog post in the future not sure yet.

Thanks for Reading

-Joseph