Am I Getting Better?

 As we move further into the depths of 2021 and also with everything still going on around the planet I have felt a false sense of hope for a bright future as I just dont see it happening on this planet and I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing for me to think.

As for me personally I have had my good days but there has been more bad days than good days so fair this year. Their have been days to me where I just wanted to end life because I feel I have not accomplished anything in life,and also dont feel like I am making anyone proud or helping anyone. At this point in my life I have come to the realization that I will be alone forever and I guess I can live with that because I have never truly found who I am and I have never really felt cute, handsome or attractive to anyone.

The dreams I want to fully achieve I feel I will never get there I just feel I have lost hope in living.

As I said back in my blog post in january I am thankful for all the people that I have met through streaming on twitch because streaming is the only time I feel normal and when I'm not streaming I feel like a lost cause and also that I have my niece to keep me motivated as best as it can.

So I guess to answer the title of this blog post is I am currently doing fifty fifty at the moment because like I said earlier I have my good days and my bad days but I want to try and make more good days for the future because I know In the long run it will help my mental health which is not so good at the moment and i wanna be better for me and my future.

As for the goals I have been keeping to myself I have not been keeping them and I can't even keep them for twenty four hours. So I'm thinking maybe a goals blog post might be helpful and might keep me accountable and motivate me to do the goals and maybe that will be my next post if you guys would like to see a goals post.

I think I have rambled on long enough so I am going to end the post here I want to thank everybody for taking the time to read this.

-Joseph

What Happened?

 Welcome Fellow Readers,

Where have I been  you ask? Well 2020 was the worst year of my life and even before  that it started all the way back in November 2019 my anxiet and depressionreally started to ramp up really bad and their was about three or four times during 2020 that I wanted to end my life because  I felt worthles and definitely lost and that the whole world was crashing down on me all at once.

Even though as hard as last year was I did have one bright spot that kept me going on and not wanting to end my life my sister finally gave birth to my niece in September of 2020 so I want to be around for my niece and I also I want to change my lifestyle so I can be around her for a long time so she can have her uncle.

Actually I guess there is another bright spot I should mention is all the people that I have met while streaming on Twitch and have become good friends with that means a lot to me and of much appreciated more than they will ever know.

We usually make a goal post on my blog that every year but I feel like for this year I'm not going to do that I'm just going to take every day by day at a slow pace and see what each day brings me since every day will have a different challenge but I will keep goals in my head.

I also say this a lot but I am going to try to blog more and more and put my feelings out there when I want to talk about it and I just hold it in until I explode like I have basically for the last year to a year and a half because I feel like it would be good therapy for me and if most people know I have a hard time talking about emotions straight up to people and I feel better when I write it down so I figure this blog can be my outlet to speak on how I'm feeling and to talk about my mental health.

I know I have not been the best blogger but that's going to change for 2021 as far as I know but as for other goals I'm going to keep them to myself.

I want to thank everyone for being in my life and helping me get along to help me get through a rough year and here's to a better year and working on myself to get better I do love you all and you guys are always in my prayers and I thank everybody for taking the time to read this blog I'm sorry it has been so long since I have wrote One as I wanted to write this a long time ago I just did not have the courage to write it but I am glad I Found the courage to write it now

Thanks,

-Joseph

Twitch

hello everyone and welcome to a quick little update that I would like to share and that is I am officially an affiliate on twitch now so come on out and support me if you like the link is under my socials to the bottom right or you can click here.

I am just so excited to become an affiliate on twitch and I am kinda still freaking out about it and I only have had it for 1 week.

Bang Energy Drink Star Blast Flavor Review

I would like to say first of all this is the first ever bang energy drink i have ever had and boy was I glad I chose this flavor for my first one and now I am interested in the rest of the flavors too see if I like more.

Star blast has a hint of strawberry and mixed berry in my opinion and it is really good and I normally do not like strawberry flavored things at all but I feel it is not overpowering in my opinion. i will for sure be getting this flavor again after I try some of the other flavors to see what I like and expect reviews of those as I try them.

I rate the drink a solid 8/10

Rock Bottom

I would like to welcome everyone back to Smiles World but this will not be a very easy blog to type so if you feel triggered please feel free to leave because in this blog I will be talking about my mental health.  This will also probably be a very long blog post.

I eel my downward spiral started back in December of 2019 around the holidays because it was a time of year again with not having my parents around again for the holidays and i feel that is starting to get to me harder every year more that there gone and as I get older. As April rolls around I get Laid off from my job at circle K and the reason was for me being stupid and going back to my old habits of stealing things and not to mention this is back when the Coronavirus pandemic stuff started to happen then the state of my mental health took a big sky dive down i fell into a depression to where I wanted to commit suicide a couple of times and thought that the world would be better off without me because I am always screwing things up and can't keep a job, i feel like i will never meet my soul mate, I feel like I dont have real life friends, I am basically feeling like a loser and that the world would be better off without me. I am also gonna come clean I also don't remember the last time I did laundry I think it was like 2 or 3 months ago and the last time i deep cleaned my apartment is about the same time length so yeah I have fell into a deep depression and to top it off I have not really been eating that well there was a time period back in june where I did not eat for 8 straight days and i only drank water in those 8 days and just for reference I am six foot one (6'1) and the last time i weighed my self I was at I think 376 when I last saw my doctor in person and I feel that I blossomed back up to around 400 pounds easily.

So as the title of this blog says I have really hit rock bottom in my eyes and so far I am not sure when I will get out of it because I am still feeling like this lately but have not had suicide thoughts anymore for now. at this current moment I am still not in the best current position of my mental health and my depression and to be honest what I think made it worse was the quarantine that we have had to do for like the past 4 months because of the pandemic around the world. I also feel like that I am going to be forever alone also that no one truly cares about me.

I don't find myself smart, attractive or even good looking at all i feel dumb and feel i would be better off six feet under. i feel im no good around everybody. i guess this is all i wanna say for now maybe ill do a part 2 blog post in the future not sure yet.

Thanks for Reading

-Joseph

Hiatus

Ladies and gentleman I am here today today to announce that I will be taking a hiatus from blogging because my mental health has been getting the better of me lately and I need to get a grip on it before it gets worse so I feel taking this hiatus can help me get better for the future.

I have also just lost my job as well so I need to take some time to also find a new job as well. I am not sure when I will be back to blogging but I do hope it will be sooner then later but until then I will not be blogging, If you wanna keep up to date with me please feel free to follow me on my social media outlets as that will be the best way to keep up to date with me especially twitter.

Thanks in Advance See you soon!

-Joseph

What have I been up Too?

Hello Everyone!

I would like to welcome you all back to my blog and you all probably are wandering where have I been well I decided to take a little hiatus from here but that does not mean I have not been busy in which I have actually have been and one of those things is preparing for my trip in April to Toronto Canada and I am extremely nervous and excited because this will be the first time I will be traveling outside of the United States by myself and I am thankful for all of the hospitality from my friend that I can stay with him while I am there so I do not have to pay for a hotel while I am there for one week so be looking ahead for some blogs while I am there and also reviews from restaurants and attractions as well.

Other then that I have not really done much other then work and for a little bit of time i was in a depressed state of mind and im not fully out of it yet but i am doing better though.

i guess thats all for now.

-Joseph